Boot to the Head

Today I strongly wanted to offer my psychologist a boot to the head.

Why?

Because he did to me what my family has done to me, what my friends have done to me, what my bosses have done to me. That is to say when I explained all the things that are currently causing me pain and difficulty with my life he proceeded to talk about how "That shouldn't be like that, it's not supposed to be like that"

It is like that.

Yes, there's a lot of shit dropped on my head right now. No, it's not fair.

The thing is, I was asking him for tools so that I can deal with the shit, I was asking him what I need to do to survive all this and to be as healthy as I can in the process. While I understand that removing myself from as much of it as possible is a good idea I'm already doing that and no amount of that talk will get me to quit my career or completely abandon my family, that's not realistic.

Rather than help me with tools all he talked about was how "It shouldn't be like that". Despite me making five separate requests for tools to help me cope all he provided was that brilliant insight.

Wow.

Do you like being ignored? I don't. In fact it tends to cause a fairly extreme emotional reaction in me, particularly when I feel that it's unjust, like when you're being paid to pay attention to me. Like he was.

So I walked out.

Was it the best reaction? Probably not but I had realized that I was beyond rational and I needed to get away from the situation before 20 years worth of anger came out at that arrogant little man.

I'm going to see him again on Monday though. I figure I'll present today's problem to him and see what he says. If he acknowledges it and works with it great, if he ignores me like he did today I'll pull out a book and spend an hour in his office reading, enjoying the quiet. I'm not paying for his services so I don't really care either way but he's not getting off the hook that easily either.

Had to Happen Eventually

Well, I've had a pretty good run with my physical health lately despite everything that's been going on in my world.

The last couple of days I realized I was getting sick but it really hit me hard today so I stayed home from work and slept till noon. I've spent the rest of the day engaged in totally meaninless time filling tasks to ensure that I don't get trapped into doing anything productive. I think it's time that I took a day off and let myself just relax so that's been today.

Though I admit that relaxing around my parents is easier said than done.

I'll post more when I feel better.

The Inevetability of Change

How did it go with the psychologist?

Really well.

We started by talking about my theory regarding my feelings, the whole repressed from the age of 8 thing and he agreed wholeheartedly. He said that's exactly what he feels has occurred and was grinning from ear to ear because he was thrilled to find that I had the self awareness to come to that conclusion on my own. I told him about seeing Michele. . . he wasn't too supportive of that but I don't really care, it's my life and I know how much she helped me so I'm going back regardless of him. He wasn't against me seeing her either but he was pretty skeptical.

Then we talked about what that whole thing means and where it leaves me. Basically he said that I need to start dealing with the emotions that have cropped up from the incidents that have occurred in my life that I've refused to recognize and deal with. Yesterday when I burst into tears over my Grandma was a good example, that was apparently exactly what I should be doing, going through my life and dealing with those suppressed traumas. The good news is that suppression is conscious and that's what I did so it's much easier for me to go through and pick out those moments, he mentioned that if they happened when I was a child I'm going to have to deal with it at the level of an 8 year old.

He agrees that there's nothing wrong with intentionally repressing feelings that are situationally inappropriate provided I come back to them later, I have a lot of coming back to to get done right now. He also liked Michele's suggestion for using the anchors that I have in place, provided that I use them to keep me calm while I deal with things rather than using them to put things off. Fortunately that's my plan.

We talked about which emotions are safe to deal with on my own and which ones I should get help with. It's okay to cry, and be sad on my own if I think I can handle it though it's generally better with someone there to support me. He suggested at this stage I've been sublimating a lot of other feelings into anger because it's something I'm familiar with, I need to stop doing that and deal with the real feelings instead. He cautioned me about dealing with anger on my own, I personally think that's a good place for SRT as it will allow me to safely deal with the energy that builds up there. He suggested that in this process my ability to lock things like anger away until it's safe to deal with them will be very handy for just that reason.

We talked about the beast and how he's a part of me. In fact he's an 8 year old boy that's demanding to be heard and be acknowledged. He's demanding to have people tell him that his feelings are real and that they're okay, because he's had to wait 20 years he's pissed and trying to cause trouble like an 8 year old to draw attention to himself. I can rectify this by paying attention to him.

I asked about timelines and while he said there's obviously no set timeline he doesn't think my two month goal is out of line at all. He said my very honest self-evaluation, my willingness to do what has to be done, my desire to change, and my new found ability to not only accept but seek out criticism are going to fare me well in this circumstance. He said above all else it's the self awareness, he said I have an excellent ability to coldly evaluate myself and that it will be very handy. . . now that I'm out of the whole denial thing.

I'm very excited about what's in front of me, it's been a while since I've engaged in serious self-improvement and I can feel myself actualizing as I sit here!

Sunday Morning Coming Down

So how was my weekend?

The Labyrinth walk was a bit of a disaster but turned out to be a victory.

Bouncing was boring, as usual.

A. and I did church on Sunday, then lunch, then back to her place and talked. We basically spent the day like we were together again though we both knew at at the end that it was goodbye. It was good because when it ended two weeks ago it ended poorly and this gave us a sense of closure that we both needed I think. It also let us say all the things we needed to say and to hear all the things we needed to hear from each other. We are still in love but we both know that until we've each done some healing we can't make a relationship work between us, especially since many of our issues overlap. As a result we're broken up with an option to call each other up at some point in the future to try again with the friendship and possibly more. More may come, or we might never again move past the friend stage for any number of reasons. Right now it doesn't matter, what does matter is that we both get on with the healing we both need to do in order to ensure if the time comes we're capable of having that healthy relationship. In the end we can't promise to wait for each other but we won't promise not to either. Make sense?

It think it's good because for the next couple of weeks I need to focus on me. So While A. has asked for updates if something important comes through and I've done the same, we're done with the frequent contacts. I'm sure they'll resume eventually but I would very much doubt that it's going to occur any time prior to March at the earliest. Though you never know, we might opt to sit together at church some days if it feels right for both of us.

Today I went to see the psychologist again, I'll post the details a little later.

The Beast In Me

The beast in me
Is caged by frail and fragile bonds
Restless by day
And by night, rants and rages at the stars
God help, the beast in me
The beast in me
Has had to learn to live with pain
And how to shelter from the rain
And in the twinkling of an eye
Might have to be restrained
God help the beast in me

Sometimes
It tries to kid me that it's just a teddy bear
Or even somehow managed
To vanish in the air
And that is when I must beware
Of the beast in me
That everybody knows
They've seen him out dressed in my clothes
Patently unclear
If it's New York or New Year
God help the beast in me
The beast in me

Performed by Johnny Cash

Too often this is how I feel lately. On Friday I tried to do the Labyrinth walk at the Centre but part way through the beast came out and I had to leave. I walked right out of the Labyrinth, despite being about 2/3 of the way to the centre.

However, I won.

I caught myself before I managed to run away completely and made myself go back in and use the skills that Michele had helped me with. I looked at my feelings, analyzed them, accepted, and integrated them. It took me about 10 minutes to catch the beast and another 10 or so to subdue him but I'm calling it a victory. It's a first step on the journey to health. . . hopefully not too long a journey.

Use the Force

So what happened with my session?

I came in and filled out the info form. Michele and I talked about my allergies, my injuries, my history a bit. She also asked what I meant when I said that I needed to learn emotional control and balance. I explained what I was talking about, gave her a brief synopsis of the last two years and the last couple of months. I also went into detail about my father and what that had caused in me (. We then discussed energy flow and we talked a great deal, I told her how I can feel it and manipulate it in some manners and we had a great discussion about that. She said I have an amazing natural talent for energy manipulation and if it didn't fight her it would make her work much easier.

Then she had me lay down and she did her thing. She laid hands all over me, moaned, whistled, blew, etc. Energetically I could feel things happening and I let them.

Me, I had visions.

Not dreams, not memories, visions.

Some of them were fleeting, some were long, some were vivid, some were hazy, some seemed meaningless (but I'm sure they weren't) some seemed profound, some were violent, some were lovely and there was everything in between.

Afterward we talked again, I had questions about things I had noticed with her energy flow and we had great discussions about what I need to do and how best to do it.

I'm definitely going back, no doubt of that. Especially if I can get her covered to some degree on my benefits, which might happen.

Wax on Wax off

I saw the energy healer today and it was an amazing experience. Take this from a die hard cynic and skeptic, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

I'm not yet sure how much of this I'm willing to share on my blog.

When I figure it out I'll put up what I'm willing to share.

For now, if you know me and you have my e-mail you're welcome to ask. I don't mind sharing with those who know me, it's the rest of you I'm not sure about.