The Inevetability of Change

How did it go with the psychologist?

Really well.

We started by talking about my theory regarding my feelings, the whole repressed from the age of 8 thing and he agreed wholeheartedly. He said that's exactly what he feels has occurred and was grinning from ear to ear because he was thrilled to find that I had the self awareness to come to that conclusion on my own. I told him about seeing Michele. . . he wasn't too supportive of that but I don't really care, it's my life and I know how much she helped me so I'm going back regardless of him. He wasn't against me seeing her either but he was pretty skeptical.

Then we talked about what that whole thing means and where it leaves me. Basically he said that I need to start dealing with the emotions that have cropped up from the incidents that have occurred in my life that I've refused to recognize and deal with. Yesterday when I burst into tears over my Grandma was a good example, that was apparently exactly what I should be doing, going through my life and dealing with those suppressed traumas. The good news is that suppression is conscious and that's what I did so it's much easier for me to go through and pick out those moments, he mentioned that if they happened when I was a child I'm going to have to deal with it at the level of an 8 year old.

He agrees that there's nothing wrong with intentionally repressing feelings that are situationally inappropriate provided I come back to them later, I have a lot of coming back to to get done right now. He also liked Michele's suggestion for using the anchors that I have in place, provided that I use them to keep me calm while I deal with things rather than using them to put things off. Fortunately that's my plan.

We talked about which emotions are safe to deal with on my own and which ones I should get help with. It's okay to cry, and be sad on my own if I think I can handle it though it's generally better with someone there to support me. He suggested at this stage I've been sublimating a lot of other feelings into anger because it's something I'm familiar with, I need to stop doing that and deal with the real feelings instead. He cautioned me about dealing with anger on my own, I personally think that's a good place for SRT as it will allow me to safely deal with the energy that builds up there. He suggested that in this process my ability to lock things like anger away until it's safe to deal with them will be very handy for just that reason.

We talked about the beast and how he's a part of me. In fact he's an 8 year old boy that's demanding to be heard and be acknowledged. He's demanding to have people tell him that his feelings are real and that they're okay, because he's had to wait 20 years he's pissed and trying to cause trouble like an 8 year old to draw attention to himself. I can rectify this by paying attention to him.

I asked about timelines and while he said there's obviously no set timeline he doesn't think my two month goal is out of line at all. He said my very honest self-evaluation, my willingness to do what has to be done, my desire to change, and my new found ability to not only accept but seek out criticism are going to fare me well in this circumstance. He said above all else it's the self awareness, he said I have an excellent ability to coldly evaluate myself and that it will be very handy. . . now that I'm out of the whole denial thing.

I'm very excited about what's in front of me, it's been a while since I've engaged in serious self-improvement and I can feel myself actualizing as I sit here!