Keeping Up Appearances

If anyone got the Carry On reference then this one will be even easier. . .

So last night I told my parents that I was looking for a place and planning on moving out when I could find one. My mother asked why and I told her that she's happier not knowing, she insisted but then declined when I actually went to answer her question. Glad to see that denial is still working for her, keeping her safe from things like reality and truth.

I did however tell my mother that she's no longer allowed to tell me she's sorry. Never in my life have I met a person for whom the words "I'm sorry" have less meaning. She throws them out with about the same frequency that you and I breath. It's really quite remarkable and it's gotten to the point that I don't even know if she does it conciously any more or if it's become an autonomic reflex. Regardless it's resulted in me being so desensititzed to it that I not longer even hear the words from most people and coming from my mother they're more like a slap in the face. The reaosn for that is they allow her to completely abdicate all responsibility for her actions, she can pretend as though it's not her fault and because she's apologised the world is okay. . . which of course is bullshit. If you're going to do something take responsibility for it, if it was a mistake it's fine to apologise but at least make an effort to rectify it.

It does however look like I'm going to be forced to continue keeping up appearances for a little while as I've been looking for a place but it's going to take another month or so before I can really afford one. I looked at a few rooms but they weren't good so I'm going to look more for an appartment. While I'm loathed to trap myself into bouncing via getting a place that's too pricey I also know that if I can find one withing cycling distance from work I'll easily save $150/month on gas costs as I love commuting on my bike whenever possible.

So for now I'm going to keep on keeping on and hope for the best.

The energy healer and I are still playing phone tag but we may have an appointment tomorrow, I'll keep you updated.

People are Strange

I have to say that people are strange.

I'm sure many of you are looking at your computer screens in rapt wonder right now as the enormity and depth of that sentence takes hold in your psyche.

Or not.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this statement, or for that matter my life at the moment.

I've decided to move out. After living at home and taking care of my mother for two years I'm moving out and getting my own place. As much as I love my parents and as much as I want to stay and help them through what I know is coming I find that something is telling me that it's time to remove myself from the situation.

This doesn't mean that I won't be there to support them, or that I won't find myself spending nights in one of the spare bedrooms but it does mean that after two an a half years and two failed relationships I'm going to get on with living my life. To no small extend I feel that as long as I remain in this unhealthy situation I'll never be able to heal properly and get back to being healthy like I know I can be.

I'm not sure if I'm going to get an apartment or a room somewhere yet but I figure almost anything is going to be a step up from where I currently find myself so I'll take my chances and trust to the universe. While I may not find a place right away with the current rental market I'm confident that the universe won't drop me on my head and that it'll all be all right in the end.

What else am I going to do with my life?

I'm going to keep healing, that much I know. I'm going to keep seeing the psychologist until the benefits stop paying for it as it's only a short term treatment. I'm going to find another one after that to ensure that I continue to do the work that I need to do. I'm going to continue having weekly (or so) meetings with the City Chaplain, he's a good guy and worth talking to and I'm glad he's a resource for those of us employed with the City. I'm also going to try going to an energy healer. I don't know if it'll help but A. swore by her and I figure that the worst case is she sits patiently and listens and probably provides some insight that I could use so I'm going to give that a shot as well.

I'm also going to get off my butt and start writing. I've always wanted to make a career as a writer and once I'm out of the house I'm going to go at it in a serious way. I'll need something to fill my time and I find that I'm enjoying having this blog tremendously. I enjoy crafting the language, even if I'm somewhat out of practice and inept at the moment. I would hope that within six months of moving out I'll have at least one book completed. . . of course then I need a publisher but I'm taking this one step at a time.

What else?

I don't know, let's see what the universe has to offer.

Made It

Covered some interesting ground with a psychologist today. I'm not going to let everyone in on the details but the long and the short of it is that I've kept my emotions insanely tightly controlled for the last 20 odd years. In recent times I've started letting go of that control and detachment (thanks to J. and later A. for that).

However, since I've never done that I have the emotional control of a five year old. I have all these new emotions tearing around inside me and I have no idea how to handle them. What I need to do is find a comprimise between the armour I've spent my life wearing and leaving myself open to everyone/thing like I have been recently. Sound familiar A.? I think I heard that about you once.

However, seeing a psychologist is great because he can help me do that and find that healthy middle ground where I have barriers between people and I but they're the right thickness. Sound familiar A.?

So I'm going to work on it, since I have benfits that cover a great deal of this I'm going to take full advantage of that and have many and frequent appointments. The sooner I can get a handle on this the sooner I'm back to having that nice stable energy I've lost.

So in an open comment to A. No wonder we didn't work. We both had exactly the same barrier issues going on and neither one of us had any idea what to do about it. Good luck.

Blood is Thicker. . .

So I figured that since I've pretty much explained my love life I should spend a little time and explain my personal life more so that folks can have a better handle on why everything went to hell.

For the last year and half I've been helping take care of my cancer ridden mother as she goes through Chemotherapy and tries to survive. Recently the chemo stopped working so now there's no treatment for the cancer itself and we're just waiting. Let me give you a bit of a heads up on how my family is handling that:

My Mother
She's soldiering on and not giving in. I think she's largely in denial about the situation as she's constantly skipping her medications, denying that she needs them, trying to find ways around doing the things she needs to do to stay alive in favour of things she wants to do. A good example is that she's close to starving to death and one bad run would be enough to finish her, so rather than eating what she needs to eat to get sufficient calories she's trying to eat "Healthy" foods to "Keep her strength up". While I'm all for healthy foods they don't do you a lot of good if you starve to death from lack of calories. . . but at least you die with good cholesterol.

My Father
He's in denial, he doesn't think his wife's dying so he constantly forgets her medication and many of those vital things mentioned above. He's grasping at every straw and not finding many to hold on to, unfortunately he keeps looking to me to provide more and I don't have them.

Basically they're like children that I'm chasing around trying not to let them kill my mother. . . it sucks.

My Brother
Also in denial. Common concept eh? As a result he's pretty much abandoned the family in favour of his life. He visits once every month or two if he remembers (he does live in town) but he often doesn't remember. He does however have the audacity to berate me for the times that my parents have needed me and I haven't been there. . . because I'm doing something like working. We're pretty much estranged, which is hard because he was my best friend my whole life. We were amazingly close and now I don't even want to talk to him any more. Of course when he rates picking up his dry cleaning over visiting his mother who's been rushed to the emergency room with the most severe pain she's ever suffered who can blame me?

Me
I'm fucked. I'm at the end of my rope and the knot I tied to hold on to is coming undone. I cry myself to sleep most nights, sometimes I don't let that happen because I know that if I start letting it out that time it'll overwhelm me and I'm afraid I won't be able to come back.

I had A. she was helping but when the going got rough she got going, she said she had to take care of herself first and I can understand that. I'm trying to forgive her but it's hard. I put everything I have into holding on to people who need me but when I need them they all run like hell. . . sure seems fair eh?

Anyway, that's about it.

I'm pretty scared right now because I still don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm supposed to meet with a psychologist on Monday but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make it through the door without someone there to help me. Especially after my last experience with a psychologist.

I had asked A. but she declined, then she told me to ask her today.

I've decided not to.

She knows how much I need the help and how much it would mean to me but if she can't bring herself to do it I have no right to try and force her too. It's really hard for me though because I know I would do it for one of my friends in a heartbeat, no matter how rough they had been on me, if they asked and it looks like she won't even though I begged.

I'm still holding out some hope that she'll call me and tell me she can see me in. It's fading though.

Guess we'll see how strong I am.

The Evil That Men Do

" The evil that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interréd with their bones,
So let it be with Caesar…"

But please not with me.

I'm directing this one to all my friends, specifically the ones that have drifted away from me over the last two and a half years during this difficult time in my life.

I want to apologise to everyone that I've hurt, to all the friends that I've pushed away over the course of the last two and half years. I haven't meant to push you away, I didn't ever mean to hurt you, I've done the best I can and I'm sorry for those times that it wasn't enough.

Specifically I'm referring to J and A here.

I'm not a bad man but that didn't stop me from doing bad things to both of you. Please in the future remember me not for the evil but for the good. Don't let the evil live after while you inter the good with my memory. I ask that you remember me for the good things I did, for the happy times we had, and remember me when I was strong and caring. Not when I was weak and hurtful.

I'm sorry for everything I did to you.

I hope in the future I can have good relationships with both of you, whatever that might mean.

And I ask one last time.

Inter not the good but the evil. Let the good live on after me, remember me for the good times we had.

"The evil that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interréd with their bones,
So let it be with Caesar…"

But please not with me.

Carry on bouncing

So today I started bouncing again. People are insanely stupid, what makes you think that if you fight with a bouncer we'll let you stay in the bar? Bad news folks, when I've decided you need to leave that's the end of the debate.

In Other News

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with A. and I right now. Not in regards to our relationship, we're most definitely broken up, there's no question of that. Rather I'm trying to figure out in regards to our interactions. I know it's only been a week so we're still both pretty confused and I think that's what's throwing me off.

I sent her an e-mail (along with other folks) telling them about this blog and she responded that she's looking forward to reading it. She also told me she was sorry if she seemed harsh when last we spoke but she needed to clarify that we're broken up in no uncertain terms. She also mentioned she still cares about me.

Fair enough, that was where I thought we stood too.

Five minutes later she sends me an e-mail saying she's sorry she contacted me and won't do it again.

I think I understand where she's coming from. I was there earlier in the week, sometimes all I want to do is talk to her, other times I don't want anything to do with her. At the same time I'm trying to promise myself that I won't contact her but that's totally unreasonable and I know isn't going to work.

Why won't it work?

If for no other reason than I know my own healing will go better if I know that she's healing too. I can't imagine that the same isn't true for her so at least occasionally she's going to get e-mails, phone calls from me asking how she's doing. Why? Because no matter what else happens I'll always care about her and it's important for me to know that people I care about are doing okay in their lives. I hope she understands that those contacts should be taken at face value. They're not me trying to hold on to a relationship that's done, they're not me trying to start another one with her. They're simply me caring about a friend I've had for more than three years who lately became very special to me.

I also hope she understands that I'll take any contacts like that from her at face value. If she calls to ask how I'm doing I'll assume nothing more than I've already stated above, I won't assume it means anything more than that she's curious about a friend.

I also hope she understands that as my friend I might still forward on some stuff that I think is appropriate for her. Today I sent her a feel-good story that ended up in my inbox, not to try and drag out a finished relationship but because I know that she, of all people, could use a feel-good story in her life right now, and this one was a doozy.

Anyway, if you read this A. I hope you understand what it all means. Just take the world, and me, and yourself at face value and it'll all work itself out in time.

In The Beginning There Was Chaos

So I'm not sure where to start as I have a lot to share right now but I figured I'd give you guys a brief synopsis of some important parts of my life starting when things really got interesting.

Back in August of 2004 my longtime girlfriend broke up with me after 5 years.

Shortly after I starting dating a wonderful girl, J.

Shortly thereafter my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

Fast forward to August 2006, I'm living at home with my parents helping to take care of my ailing mother who was supposed to be dead a year ago but still isn't. Tough lady.

In August of 2006 I broke up with J. I couldn't handle both a relationship and my mother at the same time, plus there were some other issues with J. Nothing that was anyone's fault but sometimes you realize that it might not work out in the long term no matter how good a person the other person is. That was a shame, I still love her and she's still amazing.

I started hanging out with A. about the time I was breaking up with J. A. was a friend for years, in the beginning she was still just a friend, I don't cheat. Ever.

Two months later A. and I started dating.

Two days ago she broke up with me.

Why did she break up with me?

Well, neither of us is in a particularely healthy place right now. She's had some bad stuff in her life (that's all you'll get out of me) and she's working through it. I obviously have a lot of bad stuff on my plate with the whole "Mother dying of cancer" thing and work is kind of hell right now too.

Sunday I went off the deep end.

I was told by someone who's opinion I trusted that I was what was wrong with A. I was told that I was killing her, tearing her apart. For me this was awful, I was hurting the woman I loved and I didn't know what to do.

I spent Sunday and Monday alternately pulling her closer and pushing her further, I took us on an emotional rollercoaster that ended with her leaving me.

And rightly so.

A relationship can't work if neither party is healthy. Especially when both people are very intense like A. and myself.

So now we're apart. Am I resentful? I was. I was upset that she would leave me in my time of greatest need. I'm starting to think though that it's a good thing because it's forcing me to get the help I need to get through all this other stuff (mother, work, etc) properly.

Will we ever get back together?

I have no idea.

If the universe wants it we'll run into each other again when we're happy, healthy and single. Could be a month, could be a year, could be twenty years, I can't predict the universe. If the universe doesn't want it then we won't every have that meeting and that's fine too and life will go on just fine for both of us.

I'm afraid though.

I'm afraid that she's going to do something stupid, that she might start re-living some of her past, some of the unhealthy relationships of her past. It's probaby an irrelevant fear but I still love her so I'm going to have those occasionally.

I hope I'm wrong. They put her here in the first place and as long as she stays away from them her future is bright.

Guess I'm going to have to trust that she's smarter than that.

She is.

A Day at the Races

I'm a virgin.

Got your attention?

Well . . . in the normal sense of that sentence the truth might not be well represented.

In fact it's not represented at all.

Truth be told I'm simply a blogging virgin.

This is the first post, I have no idea why I've decided to start a blog except that a pain shared is a pain halved and I have more than my share of pain running around in my world right now. I also find that I enjoy reading blogs so I hope that you find my writing articulate, thought provoking, and humourous enough that you enjoy reading it.

If nothing else it gives me a soapbox.

So who am I?

I don't want to identify myself to the world but if you know me in person I'm sure you'll recognize me as I'm not that secretive.

What am I?

I'm a powerlifter.

I'm a beurocrat.

I'm a bouncer (occasionally).

I'm a person.

I'm hoping that this will become a daily event in my world, at the least I would expect updates no less than 3 times weekly.

So on with the show.