In The Beginning There Was Chaos

So I'm not sure where to start as I have a lot to share right now but I figured I'd give you guys a brief synopsis of some important parts of my life starting when things really got interesting.

Back in August of 2004 my longtime girlfriend broke up with me after 5 years.

Shortly after I starting dating a wonderful girl, J.

Shortly thereafter my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

Fast forward to August 2006, I'm living at home with my parents helping to take care of my ailing mother who was supposed to be dead a year ago but still isn't. Tough lady.

In August of 2006 I broke up with J. I couldn't handle both a relationship and my mother at the same time, plus there were some other issues with J. Nothing that was anyone's fault but sometimes you realize that it might not work out in the long term no matter how good a person the other person is. That was a shame, I still love her and she's still amazing.

I started hanging out with A. about the time I was breaking up with J. A. was a friend for years, in the beginning she was still just a friend, I don't cheat. Ever.

Two months later A. and I started dating.

Two days ago she broke up with me.

Why did she break up with me?

Well, neither of us is in a particularely healthy place right now. She's had some bad stuff in her life (that's all you'll get out of me) and she's working through it. I obviously have a lot of bad stuff on my plate with the whole "Mother dying of cancer" thing and work is kind of hell right now too.

Sunday I went off the deep end.

I was told by someone who's opinion I trusted that I was what was wrong with A. I was told that I was killing her, tearing her apart. For me this was awful, I was hurting the woman I loved and I didn't know what to do.

I spent Sunday and Monday alternately pulling her closer and pushing her further, I took us on an emotional rollercoaster that ended with her leaving me.

And rightly so.

A relationship can't work if neither party is healthy. Especially when both people are very intense like A. and myself.

So now we're apart. Am I resentful? I was. I was upset that she would leave me in my time of greatest need. I'm starting to think though that it's a good thing because it's forcing me to get the help I need to get through all this other stuff (mother, work, etc) properly.

Will we ever get back together?

I have no idea.

If the universe wants it we'll run into each other again when we're happy, healthy and single. Could be a month, could be a year, could be twenty years, I can't predict the universe. If the universe doesn't want it then we won't every have that meeting and that's fine too and life will go on just fine for both of us.

I'm afraid though.

I'm afraid that she's going to do something stupid, that she might start re-living some of her past, some of the unhealthy relationships of her past. It's probaby an irrelevant fear but I still love her so I'm going to have those occasionally.

I hope I'm wrong. They put her here in the first place and as long as she stays away from them her future is bright.

Guess I'm going to have to trust that she's smarter than that.

She is.