Blood is Thicker. . .

So I figured that since I've pretty much explained my love life I should spend a little time and explain my personal life more so that folks can have a better handle on why everything went to hell.

For the last year and half I've been helping take care of my cancer ridden mother as she goes through Chemotherapy and tries to survive. Recently the chemo stopped working so now there's no treatment for the cancer itself and we're just waiting. Let me give you a bit of a heads up on how my family is handling that:

My Mother
She's soldiering on and not giving in. I think she's largely in denial about the situation as she's constantly skipping her medications, denying that she needs them, trying to find ways around doing the things she needs to do to stay alive in favour of things she wants to do. A good example is that she's close to starving to death and one bad run would be enough to finish her, so rather than eating what she needs to eat to get sufficient calories she's trying to eat "Healthy" foods to "Keep her strength up". While I'm all for healthy foods they don't do you a lot of good if you starve to death from lack of calories. . . but at least you die with good cholesterol.

My Father
He's in denial, he doesn't think his wife's dying so he constantly forgets her medication and many of those vital things mentioned above. He's grasping at every straw and not finding many to hold on to, unfortunately he keeps looking to me to provide more and I don't have them.

Basically they're like children that I'm chasing around trying not to let them kill my mother. . . it sucks.

My Brother
Also in denial. Common concept eh? As a result he's pretty much abandoned the family in favour of his life. He visits once every month or two if he remembers (he does live in town) but he often doesn't remember. He does however have the audacity to berate me for the times that my parents have needed me and I haven't been there. . . because I'm doing something like working. We're pretty much estranged, which is hard because he was my best friend my whole life. We were amazingly close and now I don't even want to talk to him any more. Of course when he rates picking up his dry cleaning over visiting his mother who's been rushed to the emergency room with the most severe pain she's ever suffered who can blame me?

Me
I'm fucked. I'm at the end of my rope and the knot I tied to hold on to is coming undone. I cry myself to sleep most nights, sometimes I don't let that happen because I know that if I start letting it out that time it'll overwhelm me and I'm afraid I won't be able to come back.

I had A. she was helping but when the going got rough she got going, she said she had to take care of herself first and I can understand that. I'm trying to forgive her but it's hard. I put everything I have into holding on to people who need me but when I need them they all run like hell. . . sure seems fair eh?

Anyway, that's about it.

I'm pretty scared right now because I still don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm supposed to meet with a psychologist on Monday but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make it through the door without someone there to help me. Especially after my last experience with a psychologist.

I had asked A. but she declined, then she told me to ask her today.

I've decided not to.

She knows how much I need the help and how much it would mean to me but if she can't bring herself to do it I have no right to try and force her too. It's really hard for me though because I know I would do it for one of my friends in a heartbeat, no matter how rough they had been on me, if they asked and it looks like she won't even though I begged.

I'm still holding out some hope that she'll call me and tell me she can see me in. It's fading though.

Guess we'll see how strong I am.