I apologise to those people who read this to keep up with my life, when my life gets busy it gets hard for me to keep up let alone allow you to. I will however hit you with some quick summaries.
Voice Lessons
Going really well, I'm nervous and out of my element but they're fun and my voice coach seems to think that I have an amazing voice with an amazing sound and can't wait to help me develop it. Cool.
Bouncing
It's been busy but fun, easily the best job ever if you're a single guy. Last weekend I ended with a few phone numbers, I'm not calling any of them because any girl that gives her number to a bouncer she met twenty minutes before needs her head examined and I don't really want any more "Crazy" in my life at the moment. Note the capital "C" on the word "Crazy" that's not an accident. . . some of those girls. . . whew! Still, it's nice for the ego to get the numbers and flirting is a fun game so I figure "Why not?"
Day Job
Crazy. We're getting our summer brochure together and it's been taking some serious time on my part, not bad time, and not unexpected time, just time. Lost some more staff, haven't found any new ones yet. Same old same old, still a fun job though.
Church
I'm still going, it's going well. I really like that place, the workshop the other weekend was good and I'm looking forward to the intro class that starts in March that I'm taking. It's only 3 evenings but I'm expecting some good things out of it, at the very least I'll meet some new people and that's always fun.
Sleep Apnea
Well, tonight I get to sleep with a machine attached to my face all night. I'm a light sleeper so this should be an interesting experience. This will tell me if I have sleep apnea or if I just snore, the lady giving me the machine said it would tell me "if" I snore. . .I told her that people in Belgium can tell her that I snore.
Self Actualization
It's slowed down but that's to be expected so I'm not concerned. Now it's just an ongoing process of small daily improvements and I'm working at them. I still choose to view every day as a great day and it's made my life a much happier place, I'm still not taking on things that I shouldn't and I'm working hard at those I should. All in all it's going well.
Marcus Aurelius
I seem to have misplaced my book. If you find it please let me know, I want it back so I can finish it.
Writing
I've been doing some random writing. I'm having trouble deciding what to make my first serious attempt at real publication though. Should I do a bunch of short stories? A book on picking up girls a the bar? A book on self actualization? A book on training?
The most votes seems to be going to the book on picking up girls, interspersed with funny anecdotes so I might go that way. Probably has the best market appeal out of all of them, in the end though I'm just going to write what comes out some days regardless of the overall plan. I'm enjoying giving in to my disease, it's fun.
Disease
Some people write because they like to. Some people write because they get paid to. Some people write because they have to. Not choose to, but have to. I'm one of the last ones. So was my favourite author Robert Heinlein who once said:
“Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.”
Robert A. Heinlein
I know exactly what he means by that.
Fini
So if you have a suggestion about what to write throw it in the comments. If you have comments that's also an appropriate place for them, I want to hear what you're thinking.
Till next we meet. . .
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Slacking
It was pointed out to me today that I've been slacking with my updates, I would love to blame it on something but the truth is I've just not had much to write about. The last couple of days have involved work and that's about the sum total of my excitement.
I'm currently reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and I would recommend it to everyone out there with a caveat that it's a very very thoughtful book. When I had finished the first chapter (8 pages) I had to sit and meditate on it for two hours. I think this book is one that I'll be reading for quite some time to come and re-reading for the rest of my life.
That's about it.
I'm currently reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and I would recommend it to everyone out there with a caveat that it's a very very thoughtful book. When I had finished the first chapter (8 pages) I had to sit and meditate on it for two hours. I think this book is one that I'll be reading for quite some time to come and re-reading for the rest of my life.
That's about it.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Weekend Warrior
Wow, it was a busy weekend for me with lots of stuff happening.
Friday I worked then I went and bounced, it was a good night and I had lots of fun, slow though due to the long weekend and reading week being this week.
Saturday I slept until 3, did a lot of nothing exciting, then went to a social put on by the Salsa club I used to dance with. While it was a lot of fun I didn't stay too long, I think I need to break back into things gradually so when I felt it was time to leave I did. Prior to that I had an ER when I was there about being alone while at an activity like that, in the last 8 years I've almost always been with someone in those settings. I did however catch it and deal with it in a matter of moments. . . yay me!
After that I swung by the bar to get a phone number and got secunded into working. I managed to milk them for a lot more than my usual hourly rate since they were desperate and it was a bad night, paid off in spades.
Sunday I got up and went to church, then had lunch, then went to a workshop on Finding Your Life's Purpose. It was great on many levels, it was a great workshop that really helped me figure out not only what I should be doing with my life but set up a plan to do it and make money at it. Plus I had a massive ER while I was there and I managed to catch myself, integrate, and deal with it at the scene while remaining present in the workshop the whole time. It took a lot longer to process as a result but that was okay because one of the things I needed to do was deal with those while staying present in whatever I'm doing if possible.
So the weekend was a tremendous success on a wide variety of levels. . . cool eh?
Friday I worked then I went and bounced, it was a good night and I had lots of fun, slow though due to the long weekend and reading week being this week.
Saturday I slept until 3, did a lot of nothing exciting, then went to a social put on by the Salsa club I used to dance with. While it was a lot of fun I didn't stay too long, I think I need to break back into things gradually so when I felt it was time to leave I did. Prior to that I had an ER when I was there about being alone while at an activity like that, in the last 8 years I've almost always been with someone in those settings. I did however catch it and deal with it in a matter of moments. . . yay me!
After that I swung by the bar to get a phone number and got secunded into working. I managed to milk them for a lot more than my usual hourly rate since they were desperate and it was a bad night, paid off in spades.
Sunday I got up and went to church, then had lunch, then went to a workshop on Finding Your Life's Purpose. It was great on many levels, it was a great workshop that really helped me figure out not only what I should be doing with my life but set up a plan to do it and make money at it. Plus I had a massive ER while I was there and I managed to catch myself, integrate, and deal with it at the scene while remaining present in the workshop the whole time. It took a lot longer to process as a result but that was okay because one of the things I needed to do was deal with those while staying present in whatever I'm doing if possible.
So the weekend was a tremendous success on a wide variety of levels. . . cool eh?
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Many Fingers, One Moon
Reverend Patrick once pointed out that religions are like fingers all pointing to the moon, the problem is that some people get more wrapped up in which finger they follow than what the finger is pointing at. . . the moon.
I receive daily quotes in my e-mail from a church in Red Deer and this morning's quote is a beautiful example of the aforementioned occurrence.
When the compulsive striving away from the Now ceases, the joy of Being flows into everything you do. The moment your attention turns to the Now, you feel a presence, a stillness, a peace. You no longer depend on the future for fulfillment and satisfaction—you don’t look to it for salvation. Therefore, you are not attached to the results. Neither failure nor success has the power to change your inner state of Being. You have found the life underneath your life situation.
I find this interesting because a number of people that I've talked to have trouble understanding how I can pursue my self-improvement both through a dedicated spiritual means and through a coldly rational means at the same time as they seem to feel that the two awarenesses are mutually exclusive. I find however that they're very complimentary when brought together properly. You have to realize that Maslow talking about self actualization is a man talking about how you can be the best "You" you can be, last time I checked that's what Rev. Patrick talks about every Sunday. Even the tools provided in each area overlap tremendously, in the church we learn about affirmative prayer and affirmations, when I took my sports psychology it was called positive self talk. Again, the details differ but the big picture is the same from both areas and it's the big picture that I'm trying to focus on.
After all it's the moon that's important here, not which pointing finger you follow in order to find it.
I receive daily quotes in my e-mail from a church in Red Deer and this morning's quote is a beautiful example of the aforementioned occurrence.
When the compulsive striving away from the Now ceases, the joy of Being flows into everything you do. The moment your attention turns to the Now, you feel a presence, a stillness, a peace. You no longer depend on the future for fulfillment and satisfaction—you don’t look to it for salvation. Therefore, you are not attached to the results. Neither failure nor success has the power to change your inner state of Being. You have found the life underneath your life situation.
Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now, p. 69
That is this morning's quote and quite clearly the author is referring to the achievement of a state of flow or a peak experience. Though they're not using the same words as Maslow it's quite clear that the meaning is the same as the traits described above also describe quite clearly a peak experience or flow state.I find this interesting because a number of people that I've talked to have trouble understanding how I can pursue my self-improvement both through a dedicated spiritual means and through a coldly rational means at the same time as they seem to feel that the two awarenesses are mutually exclusive. I find however that they're very complimentary when brought together properly. You have to realize that Maslow talking about self actualization is a man talking about how you can be the best "You" you can be, last time I checked that's what Rev. Patrick talks about every Sunday. Even the tools provided in each area overlap tremendously, in the church we learn about affirmative prayer and affirmations, when I took my sports psychology it was called positive self talk. Again, the details differ but the big picture is the same from both areas and it's the big picture that I'm trying to focus on.
After all it's the moon that's important here, not which pointing finger you follow in order to find it.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Some Mornings
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips
Today wasn't one of those days but the quote was so funny that I couldn't let it go without posting it.
Today I went to see the ear/nose/throat surgeon to talk about my snoring. He took all sorts of looks, I got to be on the receiving end of a nasal speculum and he stuck a camera up my nose to look down the back of my throat.
The result is that I'm going for a sleep study to confirm that I have sleep apnea, after which I'll get to try a CPAP machine to see if that helps. He said only about 50% of people can tolerate it and failing that I'm in for surgery.
The good news about the surgery is that he feels my tonsils are contributing about 40% to the problem so if I go under the knife he has to pull those out and that means that the whole thing is covered by health care. We'll see what happens after the sleep study which I should be up for in a couple of months.
I'm glad that something is finally happening about this after numerous doctor's visits.
-- Emo Phillips
Today wasn't one of those days but the quote was so funny that I couldn't let it go without posting it.
Today I went to see the ear/nose/throat surgeon to talk about my snoring. He took all sorts of looks, I got to be on the receiving end of a nasal speculum and he stuck a camera up my nose to look down the back of my throat.
The result is that I'm going for a sleep study to confirm that I have sleep apnea, after which I'll get to try a CPAP machine to see if that helps. He said only about 50% of people can tolerate it and failing that I'm in for surgery.
The good news about the surgery is that he feels my tonsils are contributing about 40% to the problem so if I go under the knife he has to pull those out and that means that the whole thing is covered by health care. We'll see what happens after the sleep study which I should be up for in a couple of months.
I'm glad that something is finally happening about this after numerous doctor's visits.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Actually I'm Actualizing
The last couple of days have gone really well for me. I mentioned last week that I've decided to pursue the goal of self actualization and to that end I made myself up some Flashcards. Basically I took some affirmations, some daily questions, and I made up little flashcards that I read throughout the day. There are only two of them and they're double sided but they contain pretty much everything I'm trying to achieve in a quick easy to reference format. I'll include them at the end of this post.
How's that working?
Well, because I have these thoughts of what I'm trying to accomplish in my head all the time I find it a lot easier to ensure that my behaviours match my goals. Often in life we declare a goal then spend our time with behaviours that are irrelevant, or worse, incompatable with the goal at hand.
In the last couple of days I've caught myself being judgemental, being frustrated with people, being angry at people, and because I had those thoughts of self actualization floating around my head I was able to release those thoughts and feelings and put something more appropriate in their place.
In the last two days I've had some of the best conversations I've ever had with people I would never have expected I could talk to, let alone like all because I chose to enjoy it and embrace them for who they are rather than be frustrated at them for what they're not.
Now all I need to do is keep it up.
Flashcards
This card is the general principals by which I endeavour to live, from a spiritual standpoint.
· I choose today to give myself the best life ever.
· Energy flows where attention goes.
· I'm the first example of how the world should love me so I need to teach people how to treat me.
· Success is living your talents within you.
· Attitude of Gratitude...I choose to focus on what I'm grateful for rather than what I resent.
· True forgiveness is saying thank you for giving me that experience.
· In the midst of chaos, in the middle of the storm, ask yourself: What are you here to teach me?
These are the traits of a self actualized person phrased as affirmations
· I embrace the facts and realities of the world (including myself) rather than denying or avoiding them.
· I am spontaneous in my ideas and actions.
· I am creative.
· I am interested in solving problems; this often includes the problems of others. Solving these problems is often a key force in my life.
· I feel closeness to other people, and generally appreciate life.
· I have a system of morality that is fully internalized and independent of external authority.
· I have discernment and am able to view all things in an objective manner. Judgments and prejudices are absent.
These are my morning meditations
· What are my intentions for today? What will I feel, be, desire, accomplish, broadcast, and experience?
· How will I express these intentions through action?
· What pain and hurt do I have that needs to be released today?
· Will I graciously accept what the universe has to offer? Even if it differs from my conscious intentions?
· Am I prepared to listen to what the universe is trying to tell me?
These are my reminder notes for when I find myself having an Emotional Response (ER)
· Acknowledge having an ER.
· Consciously own what is bothering you, identify it, express the emotions around it.
· Stop expressing, go inward for insight and clarity. What does it remind you of? Why is it familiar? Why does it bother you?
· Sink into the soft pain, be gentle with yourself.
· Stay with the soft pain, identify a physical point of pain, ground yourself, release judgments about yourself.
· Let the pain run it’s course, be thankful for the gift.
· Come out blissful, empowered, calm, with new understanding.
How's that working?
Well, because I have these thoughts of what I'm trying to accomplish in my head all the time I find it a lot easier to ensure that my behaviours match my goals. Often in life we declare a goal then spend our time with behaviours that are irrelevant, or worse, incompatable with the goal at hand.
In the last couple of days I've caught myself being judgemental, being frustrated with people, being angry at people, and because I had those thoughts of self actualization floating around my head I was able to release those thoughts and feelings and put something more appropriate in their place.
In the last two days I've had some of the best conversations I've ever had with people I would never have expected I could talk to, let alone like all because I chose to enjoy it and embrace them for who they are rather than be frustrated at them for what they're not.
Now all I need to do is keep it up.
Flashcards
This card is the general principals by which I endeavour to live, from a spiritual standpoint.
· I choose today to give myself the best life ever.
· Energy flows where attention goes.
· I'm the first example of how the world should love me so I need to teach people how to treat me.
· Success is living your talents within you.
· Attitude of Gratitude...I choose to focus on what I'm grateful for rather than what I resent.
· True forgiveness is saying thank you for giving me that experience.
· In the midst of chaos, in the middle of the storm, ask yourself: What are you here to teach me?
These are the traits of a self actualized person phrased as affirmations
· I embrace the facts and realities of the world (including myself) rather than denying or avoiding them.
· I am spontaneous in my ideas and actions.
· I am creative.
· I am interested in solving problems; this often includes the problems of others. Solving these problems is often a key force in my life.
· I feel closeness to other people, and generally appreciate life.
· I have a system of morality that is fully internalized and independent of external authority.
· I have discernment and am able to view all things in an objective manner. Judgments and prejudices are absent.
These are my morning meditations
· What are my intentions for today? What will I feel, be, desire, accomplish, broadcast, and experience?
· How will I express these intentions through action?
· What pain and hurt do I have that needs to be released today?
· Will I graciously accept what the universe has to offer? Even if it differs from my conscious intentions?
· Am I prepared to listen to what the universe is trying to tell me?
These are my reminder notes for when I find myself having an Emotional Response (ER)
· Acknowledge having an ER.
· Consciously own what is bothering you, identify it, express the emotions around it.
· Stop expressing, go inward for insight and clarity. What does it remind you of? Why is it familiar? Why does it bother you?
· Sink into the soft pain, be gentle with yourself.
· Stay with the soft pain, identify a physical point of pain, ground yourself, release judgments about yourself.
· Let the pain run it’s course, be thankful for the gift.
· Come out blissful, empowered, calm, with new understanding.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Two Wheeled Humour
If you know me you know that I'm an avid motorcyclist, so when these came my way I couldn't help but share. I hope you enjoy the lighter content, and yes folks there is a "u" in "humour".
1. Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. ~Author Unknown
2. It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed. ~Author Unknown
3. Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory. ~Author Unknown
4. Keep your bike in good repair: motorcycle boots are not comfortable for walking. ~Author Unknown
5. The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome. ~Author Unknown
6. Whatever it is, it's better in the wind. ~Author Unknown
7. Catching a yellow-jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary. ~Author Unknown
8. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. ~Mac McCleary
9. Remember folks, street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. ~Jim Samuels
10. Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window. ~Author Unknown
11. People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. ~Author Unknown
12. When you're riding lead, don't spit. ~Author Unknown
1. Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. ~Author Unknown
2. It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed. ~Author Unknown
3. Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory. ~Author Unknown
4. Keep your bike in good repair: motorcycle boots are not comfortable for walking. ~Author Unknown
5. The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome. ~Author Unknown
6. Whatever it is, it's better in the wind. ~Author Unknown
7. Catching a yellow-jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary. ~Author Unknown
8. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. ~Mac McCleary
9. Remember folks, street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. ~Jim Samuels
10. Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window. ~Author Unknown
11. People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. ~Author Unknown
12. When you're riding lead, don't spit. ~Author Unknown
Sunday, February 11, 2007
This, That, The Other Thing
To be honest I've been trying to figure out what to post about my weekend and I've realized I still have no idea.
I was going to post about how Friday night was one of those nights that makes you glad to be a bouncer. Nice people, good time, no real problems, etc. I decided against it.
I was going to post about how Saturday night was one of those nights that makes you regret being a bouncer. Overcrowded, hot, jerks everywhere, lots of problems at the end, etc. I decided against it.
I was going to post about the revelations I had this week in regards to self actualization and how I've put together two, double sided, flash cards for myself to help with my daily meditation and to help me get grounded again when things start getting rough. They're cool and I think they'll help me quite a bit, still not really that exciting is it?
I also debated posting about apartment hunting, at the end of the day I can sum it up by saying that it sucks. 'nough said.
I will post about this though. I'm worried about A. I went to church today (as every Sunday) and she was there, at the end of the service we ended up talking for a few minutes and she's not in good shape. She put on a brave face but she looked/felt more scared, lonely, hurt, and afraid than I've ever seen her. I find that concerning since we were under the impression that it was my stress and problems that were screwing her up like that so badly but it appears that getting rid of me hasn't solved anything for her.
The reason I'm scared is that she has it in her head that she has to do this (heal, find herself, etc) on her own. I'm scared because she has that in her head and it means that she might not ask for help even if she needs it. While I'm not saying she should ask me for help as we are broken up, I'm a little afraid that she may not ask her friends and family and that could end up making this a lot rougher on her than it has to be.
In the end though I'm not going to worry for her because it won't help anything. Rather I'm going to include her in my daily prayers (yeah, I've taken to praying as part of my meditation) and send good energy and positive thoughts her way. I'm going to remember to keep her in my mind whenever I can in a positive energy to try and help her out in the one way I can right now.
I would also ask anyone who reads this to do the same, whether you know her or not it will help.
I sure hope she's okay, and I sure hope that she asks if she needs help. Whether it's me or someone else I hope she asks.
I was going to post about how Friday night was one of those nights that makes you glad to be a bouncer. Nice people, good time, no real problems, etc. I decided against it.
I was going to post about how Saturday night was one of those nights that makes you regret being a bouncer. Overcrowded, hot, jerks everywhere, lots of problems at the end, etc. I decided against it.
I was going to post about the revelations I had this week in regards to self actualization and how I've put together two, double sided, flash cards for myself to help with my daily meditation and to help me get grounded again when things start getting rough. They're cool and I think they'll help me quite a bit, still not really that exciting is it?
I also debated posting about apartment hunting, at the end of the day I can sum it up by saying that it sucks. 'nough said.
I will post about this though. I'm worried about A. I went to church today (as every Sunday) and she was there, at the end of the service we ended up talking for a few minutes and she's not in good shape. She put on a brave face but she looked/felt more scared, lonely, hurt, and afraid than I've ever seen her. I find that concerning since we were under the impression that it was my stress and problems that were screwing her up like that so badly but it appears that getting rid of me hasn't solved anything for her.
The reason I'm scared is that she has it in her head that she has to do this (heal, find herself, etc) on her own. I'm scared because she has that in her head and it means that she might not ask for help even if she needs it. While I'm not saying she should ask me for help as we are broken up, I'm a little afraid that she may not ask her friends and family and that could end up making this a lot rougher on her than it has to be.
In the end though I'm not going to worry for her because it won't help anything. Rather I'm going to include her in my daily prayers (yeah, I've taken to praying as part of my meditation) and send good energy and positive thoughts her way. I'm going to remember to keep her in my mind whenever I can in a positive energy to try and help her out in the one way I can right now.
I would also ask anyone who reads this to do the same, whether you know her or not it will help.
I sure hope she's okay, and I sure hope that she asks if she needs help. Whether it's me or someone else I hope she asks.
Friday, February 9, 2007
Maslow, Pavlov, and Me
Recently I've decided that I need to engage on a course of self-actualization. That is to say that I wish to become a Self Actualized person, or at least as much of one as I can be.
Now, there are quite a few things that need to happen and to no small extent the biggest in my world is that I need to overcome my Pavlovian Reflexes as they relate to my behaviour.
What does that mean?
Well, all of us have conditioned responses to certain situations and it's become clear to me lately that some of my conditioned responses are totally out of whack with my goal to become a self actualized person. A self actualized person has the following traits:
Now, there are quite a few things that need to happen and to no small extent the biggest in my world is that I need to overcome my Pavlovian Reflexes as they relate to my behaviour.
What does that mean?
Well, all of us have conditioned responses to certain situations and it's become clear to me lately that some of my conditioned responses are totally out of whack with my goal to become a self actualized person. A self actualized person has the following traits:
- They embrace the facts and realities of the world (including themselves) rather than denying or avoiding them.
- They are spontaneous in their ideas and actions.
- They are creative.
- They are interested in solving problems; this often includes the problems of others. Solving these problems is often a key focus in their lives.
- They feel a closeness to other people, and generally appreciate life.
- They have a system of morality that is fully internalized and independent of external authority.
- They have discernment and are able to view all things in an objective manner. Judgments and prejudices are absent.
Now I've always been pretty good at most of these but recently I've found myself floundering with spontaneity, creativity, my closeness to other people, my appreciation of life and my absence of judgements. Quite the list eh?
One of the other important parts about self actualized people is that they're more likely to have peak experiences in their lives. Now, I disagree with Maslow in that I've had peak experiences while riding my bicycle, riding my motorcycle, lifting weights, competing at Judo, practicing Judo, practicing gymnastics, writing, and sometimes just being. Personally I feel that the more areas of my life in which I can find those peak experiences or "flow" as it's often called in the sport psychology world the better my life will be.
Maslow seems to indicate that self actualized people are the ones who find their "reason for being" and make that into their work, their passion, and their life. I'm afraid that I don't have a single thing that meets those qualifications. I don't have that single overwhelming drive in my world, what I have is an incredible desire to see it all and do it all. As a result I find that I experience flow in a tremendous number of aspects of my life, which I view as a good thing.
It's been a little while since I've experienced any flow in my world and I'm looking to get it back. In no small part I can feel that state approach when I get myself wrapped up in writing this blog, it's not quite there but it's almost on top of me. I know when the motorcycle hits the asphalt again I'll have that feeling back, I live in Edmonton though so I need to find places other than the saddle of my motorcycle to experience that. I'm personally of the opinion that peak experiences and self actualization are caught together in a feedback loop, the closer you get to one the closer you are to the other and the more of one you experience the more of the other you'll experience so I'm going to look for my self actualization both through the intellectual pursuits that are necessary to achieve it but also through the achievement of more flow in my life.
What's it all mean?
It means daily meditation. I need to work on those parts of this that I can work on intellectually, I will stop being judgemental, I will become more appreciative of all the universe offers me, those sorts of things. Those are more of a viewpoint than anything and I need to sort out where my viewpoint got warped and figure out internally how best to straighten it out.
I'm also going looking for flow. I know that trying new things can open up more chances to experience that flow and I'm looking forward to it. So I'm going to look into singing lessons, I'm re-evaluating a return to school, I'm going to start practicing my Didgeridoo, I'm going to write more, and I'm going to get myself back into the gym. The one part of this it's always been within my power to control is my own body and I'm going to take that to heart now.
So, come along for the ride if you want. Your advice and comments are always welcome, even if they might seem negative to you.
Let's see what the universe has to offer.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Blood Really is Thicker
I got my brother back today.
The long and the short is that he's woken up and realized what's happened with his life.
This is possibly the best thing that could have happened to me.
No, not possibly. . . it is the best thing that could happen to me.
There's still a lot of stuff that the two of us have to cover but today he made the first step and while it's only one step it's arguably the largest and most important.
This does mean a lot of work but it'll be worth it, every second of it.
The long and the short is that he's woken up and realized what's happened with his life.
This is possibly the best thing that could have happened to me.
No, not possibly. . . it is the best thing that could happen to me.
There's still a lot of stuff that the two of us have to cover but today he made the first step and while it's only one step it's arguably the largest and most important.
This does mean a lot of work but it'll be worth it, every second of it.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Boot to the Head
Today I strongly wanted to offer my psychologist a boot to the head.
Why?
Because he did to me what my family has done to me, what my friends have done to me, what my bosses have done to me. That is to say when I explained all the things that are currently causing me pain and difficulty with my life he proceeded to talk about how "That shouldn't be like that, it's not supposed to be like that"
It is like that.
Yes, there's a lot of shit dropped on my head right now. No, it's not fair.
The thing is, I was asking him for tools so that I can deal with the shit, I was asking him what I need to do to survive all this and to be as healthy as I can in the process. While I understand that removing myself from as much of it as possible is a good idea I'm already doing that and no amount of that talk will get me to quit my career or completely abandon my family, that's not realistic.
Rather than help me with tools all he talked about was how "It shouldn't be like that". Despite me making five separate requests for tools to help me cope all he provided was that brilliant insight.
Wow.
Do you like being ignored? I don't. In fact it tends to cause a fairly extreme emotional reaction in me, particularly when I feel that it's unjust, like when you're being paid to pay attention to me. Like he was.
So I walked out.
Was it the best reaction? Probably not but I had realized that I was beyond rational and I needed to get away from the situation before 20 years worth of anger came out at that arrogant little man.
I'm going to see him again on Monday though. I figure I'll present today's problem to him and see what he says. If he acknowledges it and works with it great, if he ignores me like he did today I'll pull out a book and spend an hour in his office reading, enjoying the quiet. I'm not paying for his services so I don't really care either way but he's not getting off the hook that easily either.
Why?
Because he did to me what my family has done to me, what my friends have done to me, what my bosses have done to me. That is to say when I explained all the things that are currently causing me pain and difficulty with my life he proceeded to talk about how "That shouldn't be like that, it's not supposed to be like that"
It is like that.
Yes, there's a lot of shit dropped on my head right now. No, it's not fair.
The thing is, I was asking him for tools so that I can deal with the shit, I was asking him what I need to do to survive all this and to be as healthy as I can in the process. While I understand that removing myself from as much of it as possible is a good idea I'm already doing that and no amount of that talk will get me to quit my career or completely abandon my family, that's not realistic.
Rather than help me with tools all he talked about was how "It shouldn't be like that". Despite me making five separate requests for tools to help me cope all he provided was that brilliant insight.
Wow.
Do you like being ignored? I don't. In fact it tends to cause a fairly extreme emotional reaction in me, particularly when I feel that it's unjust, like when you're being paid to pay attention to me. Like he was.
So I walked out.
Was it the best reaction? Probably not but I had realized that I was beyond rational and I needed to get away from the situation before 20 years worth of anger came out at that arrogant little man.
I'm going to see him again on Monday though. I figure I'll present today's problem to him and see what he says. If he acknowledges it and works with it great, if he ignores me like he did today I'll pull out a book and spend an hour in his office reading, enjoying the quiet. I'm not paying for his services so I don't really care either way but he's not getting off the hook that easily either.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Had to Happen Eventually
Well, I've had a pretty good run with my physical health lately despite everything that's been going on in my world.
The last couple of days I realized I was getting sick but it really hit me hard today so I stayed home from work and slept till noon. I've spent the rest of the day engaged in totally meaninless time filling tasks to ensure that I don't get trapped into doing anything productive. I think it's time that I took a day off and let myself just relax so that's been today.
Though I admit that relaxing around my parents is easier said than done.
I'll post more when I feel better.
The last couple of days I realized I was getting sick but it really hit me hard today so I stayed home from work and slept till noon. I've spent the rest of the day engaged in totally meaninless time filling tasks to ensure that I don't get trapped into doing anything productive. I think it's time that I took a day off and let myself just relax so that's been today.
Though I admit that relaxing around my parents is easier said than done.
I'll post more when I feel better.
Monday, February 5, 2007
The Inevetability of Change
How did it go with the psychologist?
Really well.
We started by talking about my theory regarding my feelings, the whole repressed from the age of 8 thing and he agreed wholeheartedly. He said that's exactly what he feels has occurred and was grinning from ear to ear because he was thrilled to find that I had the self awareness to come to that conclusion on my own. I told him about seeing Michele. . . he wasn't too supportive of that but I don't really care, it's my life and I know how much she helped me so I'm going back regardless of him. He wasn't against me seeing her either but he was pretty skeptical.
Then we talked about what that whole thing means and where it leaves me. Basically he said that I need to start dealing with the emotions that have cropped up from the incidents that have occurred in my life that I've refused to recognize and deal with. Yesterday when I burst into tears over my Grandma was a good example, that was apparently exactly what I should be doing, going through my life and dealing with those suppressed traumas. The good news is that suppression is conscious and that's what I did so it's much easier for me to go through and pick out those moments, he mentioned that if they happened when I was a child I'm going to have to deal with it at the level of an 8 year old.
He agrees that there's nothing wrong with intentionally repressing feelings that are situationally inappropriate provided I come back to them later, I have a lot of coming back to to get done right now. He also liked Michele's suggestion for using the anchors that I have in place, provided that I use them to keep me calm while I deal with things rather than using them to put things off. Fortunately that's my plan.
We talked about which emotions are safe to deal with on my own and which ones I should get help with. It's okay to cry, and be sad on my own if I think I can handle it though it's generally better with someone there to support me. He suggested at this stage I've been sublimating a lot of other feelings into anger because it's something I'm familiar with, I need to stop doing that and deal with the real feelings instead. He cautioned me about dealing with anger on my own, I personally think that's a good place for SRT as it will allow me to safely deal with the energy that builds up there. He suggested that in this process my ability to lock things like anger away until it's safe to deal with them will be very handy for just that reason.
We talked about the beast and how he's a part of me. In fact he's an 8 year old boy that's demanding to be heard and be acknowledged. He's demanding to have people tell him that his feelings are real and that they're okay, because he's had to wait 20 years he's pissed and trying to cause trouble like an 8 year old to draw attention to himself. I can rectify this by paying attention to him.
I asked about timelines and while he said there's obviously no set timeline he doesn't think my two month goal is out of line at all. He said my very honest self-evaluation, my willingness to do what has to be done, my desire to change, and my new found ability to not only accept but seek out criticism are going to fare me well in this circumstance. He said above all else it's the self awareness, he said I have an excellent ability to coldly evaluate myself and that it will be very handy. . . now that I'm out of the whole denial thing.
I'm very excited about what's in front of me, it's been a while since I've engaged in serious self-improvement and I can feel myself actualizing as I sit here!
Sunday Morning Coming Down
So how was my weekend?
The Labyrinth walk was a bit of a disaster but turned out to be a victory.
Bouncing was boring, as usual.
A. and I did church on Sunday, then lunch, then back to her place and talked. We basically spent the day like we were together again though we both knew at at the end that it was goodbye. It was good because when it ended two weeks ago it ended poorly and this gave us a sense of closure that we both needed I think. It also let us say all the things we needed to say and to hear all the things we needed to hear from each other. We are still in love but we both know that until we've each done some healing we can't make a relationship work between us, especially since many of our issues overlap. As a result we're broken up with an option to call each other up at some point in the future to try again with the friendship and possibly more. More may come, or we might never again move past the friend stage for any number of reasons. Right now it doesn't matter, what does matter is that we both get on with the healing we both need to do in order to ensure if the time comes we're capable of having that healthy relationship. In the end we can't promise to wait for each other but we won't promise not to either. Make sense?
It think it's good because for the next couple of weeks I need to focus on me. So While A. has asked for updates if something important comes through and I've done the same, we're done with the frequent contacts. I'm sure they'll resume eventually but I would very much doubt that it's going to occur any time prior to March at the earliest. Though you never know, we might opt to sit together at church some days if it feels right for both of us.
Today I went to see the psychologist again, I'll post the details a little later.
The Labyrinth walk was a bit of a disaster but turned out to be a victory.
Bouncing was boring, as usual.
A. and I did church on Sunday, then lunch, then back to her place and talked. We basically spent the day like we were together again though we both knew at at the end that it was goodbye. It was good because when it ended two weeks ago it ended poorly and this gave us a sense of closure that we both needed I think. It also let us say all the things we needed to say and to hear all the things we needed to hear from each other. We are still in love but we both know that until we've each done some healing we can't make a relationship work between us, especially since many of our issues overlap. As a result we're broken up with an option to call each other up at some point in the future to try again with the friendship and possibly more. More may come, or we might never again move past the friend stage for any number of reasons. Right now it doesn't matter, what does matter is that we both get on with the healing we both need to do in order to ensure if the time comes we're capable of having that healthy relationship. In the end we can't promise to wait for each other but we won't promise not to either. Make sense?
It think it's good because for the next couple of weeks I need to focus on me. So While A. has asked for updates if something important comes through and I've done the same, we're done with the frequent contacts. I'm sure they'll resume eventually but I would very much doubt that it's going to occur any time prior to March at the earliest. Though you never know, we might opt to sit together at church some days if it feels right for both of us.
Today I went to see the psychologist again, I'll post the details a little later.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
The Beast In Me
The beast in me
Is caged by frail and fragile bonds
Restless by day
And by night, rants and rages at the stars
God help, the beast in me
The beast in me
Has had to learn to live with pain
And how to shelter from the rain
And in the twinkling of an eye
Might have to be restrained
God help the beast in me
Sometimes
It tries to kid me that it's just a teddy bear
Or even somehow managed
To vanish in the air
And that is when I must beware
Of the beast in me
That everybody knows
They've seen him out dressed in my clothes
Patently unclear
If it's New York or New Year
God help the beast in me
The beast in me
Performed by Johnny Cash
Too often this is how I feel lately. On Friday I tried to do the Labyrinth walk at the Centre but part way through the beast came out and I had to leave. I walked right out of the Labyrinth, despite being about 2/3 of the way to the centre.
However, I won.
I caught myself before I managed to run away completely and made myself go back in and use the skills that Michele had helped me with. I looked at my feelings, analyzed them, accepted, and integrated them. It took me about 10 minutes to catch the beast and another 10 or so to subdue him but I'm calling it a victory. It's a first step on the journey to health. . . hopefully not too long a journey.
Is caged by frail and fragile bonds
Restless by day
And by night, rants and rages at the stars
God help, the beast in me
The beast in me
Has had to learn to live with pain
And how to shelter from the rain
And in the twinkling of an eye
Might have to be restrained
God help the beast in me
Sometimes
It tries to kid me that it's just a teddy bear
Or even somehow managed
To vanish in the air
And that is when I must beware
Of the beast in me
That everybody knows
They've seen him out dressed in my clothes
Patently unclear
If it's New York or New Year
God help the beast in me
The beast in me
Performed by Johnny Cash
Too often this is how I feel lately. On Friday I tried to do the Labyrinth walk at the Centre but part way through the beast came out and I had to leave. I walked right out of the Labyrinth, despite being about 2/3 of the way to the centre.
However, I won.
I caught myself before I managed to run away completely and made myself go back in and use the skills that Michele had helped me with. I looked at my feelings, analyzed them, accepted, and integrated them. It took me about 10 minutes to catch the beast and another 10 or so to subdue him but I'm calling it a victory. It's a first step on the journey to health. . . hopefully not too long a journey.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Use the Force
So what happened with my session?
I came in and filled out the info form. Michele and I talked about my allergies, my injuries, my history a bit. She also asked what I meant when I said that I needed to learn emotional control and balance. I explained what I was talking about, gave her a brief synopsis of the last two years and the last couple of months. I also went into detail about my father and what that had caused in me (. We then discussed energy flow and we talked a great deal, I told her how I can feel it and manipulate it in some manners and we had a great discussion about that. She said I have an amazing natural talent for energy manipulation and if it didn't fight her it would make her work much easier.
Then she had me lay down and she did her thing. She laid hands all over me, moaned, whistled, blew, etc. Energetically I could feel things happening and I let them.
Me, I had visions.
Not dreams, not memories, visions.
Some of them were fleeting, some were long, some were vivid, some were hazy, some seemed meaningless (but I'm sure they weren't) some seemed profound, some were violent, some were lovely and there was everything in between.
Afterward we talked again, I had questions about things I had noticed with her energy flow and we had great discussions about what I need to do and how best to do it.
I'm definitely going back, no doubt of that. Especially if I can get her covered to some degree on my benefits, which might happen.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Wax on Wax off
I saw the energy healer today and it was an amazing experience. Take this from a die hard cynic and skeptic, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
I'm not yet sure how much of this I'm willing to share on my blog.
When I figure it out I'll put up what I'm willing to share.
For now, if you know me and you have my e-mail you're welcome to ask. I don't mind sharing with those who know me, it's the rest of you I'm not sure about.
I'm not yet sure how much of this I'm willing to share on my blog.
When I figure it out I'll put up what I'm willing to share.
For now, if you know me and you have my e-mail you're welcome to ask. I don't mind sharing with those who know me, it's the rest of you I'm not sure about.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
