Species of the Bar

I figure since not a lot exciting is happening I'm going to entertain you with some descriptions of critters you can commonly find in a bar. I'm going to start with the one that is clearly my least favourite.

Bar Vultures

These creatures earn their name through their behaviour at the bar. Typically the show up at the end of the night, usually within 10 minutes of us locking the door and thus right around last call. They come in and grab themselves a single beer from the bartender, typically it's the cheapest draft we have because they have no intention of drinking any significant amount of it.

These creatures then spend the next few minutes circling the bar attempting to pick out the girls most likely to be incapable of making rational decisions. Typically they're looking for the drunkest girl there, they may also be looking for someone who has suddenly had a very bad night (friends left them, boyfriend broke up with them, etc) and thus are emotionally vulnerable. . . and drunk.

These despicable creatures then spend the remainder of the time allotted to them in the bar attempting to take that girl home with them. They're friendly, they smile, they listen, and at the end of the night they aim to take you home.

Now I understand that a large percentage of the people at the bar, male and female, are there in an attempt to avoid sleeping alone that night and I have no problem with this. The problem I have with the bar vultures is that they don't go after girls who can make rational decisions, they go after the ones who are too drunk to walk on their own and need to be carried to a vehicle. That my friends isn't hooking up at the bar, it's rape.

These bar vultures do however provide me with two sources of amusement and for that I'm forced to thank them. I do this by letting them walk away without the use of an ambulance most nights.

The first source of amusement is when they come to the door and I deny them entrance. They're stunned, don't I see them there every weekend? Of course I do, I'm also aware that they spend next to no money while they're here and that they do things that can give our bar a bad name and no, simply because you learned my name I don't become your friend.

The second source of amusement is when they're trying to carry a drunk girl out of the bar and I stop them. I'll then go through the girl's pockets/purse/whatever to find her ID and ask a few telling questions:

What's her name?
What's her middle name?
What's her birthday?
What's her address?

Now I understand if you don't get them all correct but if you don't answer any of them you can't really be surprised that I won't let you take them home. I mean really, if you can't even be bothered to learn her name don't expect sympathy from me when I take her away from you and propel you out the door with a vengeance.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that.

Till next we meet. . .